My Mother’s Greatest Fear:


Time and time again, she’s warned me about dating handsome men. “They’ll leave you for another woman. They’ll feel like they’re too good for you. They’re going to want to see what else is out there, because they can.” Her solution: date an unattractive, scrawny, obedient, studious, quiet Fuzhounese man. Seriously? Absolutely not. I can’t even speak the Fuzhounese dialect. Plus, I’m happily off the market.

As much as I love, adore, and cherish my mom,  we hardly ever share the same view points – I can’t help but categorize the above as one of her many irrational assertions. Here’s an article I stumbled across on the Huffington Post that she would have written herself if she could write English:

“Whether you find [Weiner] attractive or not, [he] is a fit, intelligent, promising politician with a six-figure income who had a reputation of a ladies’ man and was even named a Cosmo eligible bachelor — the kind of man that many, many women are drawn to.

And that’s where Abedin and other smart, beautiful, accomplished women often make their mistake. The more financially independent women become, the more they prefer good-looking men. But they don’t just want their partners to be hotties; they want them to be masculine, physically fit, loving, educated, a few years older and making the big bucks. Oh, and they also have to really want to be a hubby and daddy.

That’s a tall order.

Attractive men don’t make the best husbands, according to researchers. Guys who are rated as the most masculine — a billboard for a man’s good genes — tend to have more testosterone, and men with higher testosterone levels are more likely to get divorced and cheat.

We’d be smarter if we sought out guys who are uglier than we are because researchers have found that couples in which the woman is hotter than the guy are happier than if the situation is reversed.”

– Vicki Larson, “Hot or Not? Why Women Shouldn’t Pick Attractive Husbands.”

Of course infidelity is prominent among good looking men, but this is definitely a bit skewed. Who do we have to look at? The rich and the famous – who possess 1) good looks [sometimes] equatable to a god, 2) astronomical wealth, and/or 3) a swoonable charm. These are highly publicized individuals who can’t escape the media’s eye. It’s not like we’d get news of the unattractive, uneducated, trailer park rednecks being disloyal to their baby mommas.

Another Huffington Post article that Joseph actually found argues that men don’t even have to be good looking to commit infidelity; in fact, they may cheat simply because they want to:

  1. “Mix things up”: “Cheating for the man is about excitement, building up their ego, enjoying the chase and just plain mixing things up” – Dr. Robi Ludwig.
  2. Prove themselves: “These guys are still driven to prove that they are big men, and they can do that by conquering women… So no matter how beautiful the woman, it’s not enough. Once they’ve conquered the woman by marrying her, the satisfaction goes away.”
  3. Feel entitled: “[Men of prominence] feel they’ve earned it. They also now have access to women they never had before” – Cooper Lawrence
  4. Shed their insecurities: “Deep down they are so insecure they can’t believe they actually ‘landed’ the wife they have. They can’t believe she actually loved them. So they decide that their wives must be faking their feelings. And that entitles them to cheat.”

– Bonnie Fuller, “The Real Reason Anthony Weiner Cheated on His Wife, Huma Abedin.”

Every female – wife, girlfriend, on-going hook up – has experienced one or more of the above – whether it was high school, college, and/or the real world. To the men who embody the pathetic qualities listed above, you are pitied by the general public.

But here’s my viewpoint: I’m going to have to stick up for the few genuinely good, handsome men, because they are out there – contrary to popular belief. (And no, I’m not biased because I’m dating a handsome southern gent. Or maybe I am..)

Of course, there are wretched men out there. But there are also men like the classically irresistible Sean Connery – the gentleman of gentlemen. Yes, he’s had a divorce – but perhaps it wasn’t because he was too good looking for his ex-wife or sought a woman more beautiful. Perhaps it was simply because it wasn’t meant to be. He’s been with his current lady – without any [publicly known] scandal – for three and a half decades. He’s starred in a multitude of movies featuring stunning women – so many opportunities to be disloyal, and yet, we have heard of none. With a man as famous as Sean Connery, we would hear of it.

When I was little, I had these two old people friends. I remember looking at their black and white photos thinking that Nickie was just the epitome of a good looking man from the 1950’s. Jeanie was equally beautiful. They were like Sandy and Danny from Grease, and they were together until death did them part.

There’s also all of my friends’ parents. I do not know of one divorce or cheating incident – and their parents are all quite blessed with incredibly good genes. All still happily and adorably married. I have so many examples of couples who are beautiful, smart, and still together. Or maybe I just know of really good people.

Cheating is easily one of the “you’ll never know…” type situations, so am I being too naïve? Too  optimistic? Some people may think so, but it’s better to live life with the glass half full right?

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Categories: reflections & musings

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